Generalized Automatic Email Response

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UPDATE: Thank you all so much for the wonderful responses to this post on Twitter,  which I will appreciate so much after never reading them. I have been having a lot of trouble managing my email. This causes some people who email me to get very upset. I was thinking I would try to automate the response so as to leave people who email me smiling, happy, satisfied, and in love with me. Here goes:

Thank you for your wonderful email – hearing from you is one of the best things to happen to me today.

Allow me to elaborate further:

1. If you are an automatic mass mailing to a huge number of people, THEN:

  1. I will never read your email.
  2. That’s OK, because you will never read this reply.
  3. Almost everyone else on your list will respond likewise.

2. If I don’t know you, and you are asking me for help or advice on something, THEN:

  1. I love what you're doing! You are great!!
  2. Please read the part of my  writings where I argue the aid of poorly informed strangers is often not very helpful.
  3. This applies very much to the likelihood that I would be of any use to you whatsoever.

3. If I do know you, but somehow I have failed to answer your previous email, it is because:

  1. I hate you.
  2. I am an arrogant prima donna jerk who is ignoring you.
  3. I am disorganized, absent-minded, forgetful, and indecisive, and so have already forgotten whether I answered you already, what the answer was, and what the answer should have been, and I’m really sorry and always will be.
  4. The only correct answer in this case is (c)

4. If you invited me to something very noble and honorable, and I have failed to respond, it is because:

  1. Consider possibilities (a) through (c) in 3 above.
  2. The only correct answer in this case is (c)

Thanks again for your lovely email! Please write again soon!